Monday, November 1, 2010

Somber post

Well Blog world, I have been gone for a couple of months. Life has been tough. When I started this blog, my intentions were to share, create ideas. WEll, as life would have it , He had other plans for me.

This is not easy to talk about for me. But talking about this to complete strangers who really don't know me actually makes me feel better. My husband and I have seperated.

We have been married for five years and together for nearly 12. The day before our five year anniversary, he informed me that he longer wanted to be married to me. This did not come as a complete shock. We have been going through a tough patch in our marriage ever since his father was in a bad accident. He has been re-thinking the path that his life should have taken. He has been struggling with his faith, his commitment to me.

I do not feel the same way. YOu see, two years ago, my father passed away from alcohol poisoning. He had been an alcoholic most of my life and about seven years before he passed, he had been completely sober. The last year of his life, he relapsed and had fallen into a deep depression. My family encouraged him to go to rehab, seek counseling but as anybody who has ever dealt with someone with an abuse problem, you cannot force someone to do something they are not willing to do.

My grandmother passed away on December 17, 2008 (my mother's mom). My grandmother lived in Mexico so my mother flew immediately to be there for her wake and funeral. My dad decided not to go. For what ever reason, he decided to stay. My personal belief was that he did not want to deal with her death, you see, my grandmother was like the mother my dad always wanted. His mother is the devil. I do not even consider her my grandmother. She is a spiteful woman who lives to make everyone around her miserable.

Since the moment my mother left, he began drinking. And i was left solely responsible to take care of him. At the time, my son was ten months old and my husband worked full time. On the day my dad passed, December 22, 2008, I had just had enough. I knew that he was slowly killing himself and no matter what I did or said, he just didn't care. I got to a point were I said, Enough is Enough. So that day, I checked on him in the morning (he was at his house) and he was still alive. I did not try to wake him from his sleep because as before, I knew that the longer he sleeped, the alcohol would go through his system.

At 4:30pm I got the call that no person should EVER get. My little brother had come into town to spend Christmas at home. When he got to the house, he found my dad on the floor not breathing. I immediately told him to hang up and call 911. My husband, my son, and I jumped into our car and drove to my parents house. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. I sat in that car in a state of shock. I kept praying to God that my dad be okay, but somehow I knew that he wasn't. When I got there, I knew that my dad was gone. I entered the house and the EMT told me I'm Sorry and honestly, I didn't hear anything else I ran past her and found my brother and just comforted him. I blamed myself for a long time for his death. I kept asking myself, "what if I had just gone back to the house? What if Ihad tried to wake him up?" I became distant from my family, friends, and most importantly, my husband. I shut everyone out.

YOu see, after my dad died, I started questioning were my life was heading and I was unhappy with the direction. I didn't know how I was going to change it, but I knew that I wanted change. And I prayed. It is funny how God answers your prayers when you need it most. YOu see, on my dad's one year passing, December 22, 2009 at 5:12pm, my daughter was born. So instead on being one of the sadest days in our family, it has become a day of celebrating the life of my father and my daughter. God is so good that way!

I started to feel like myself again. But in this time, my husband began distancing himself from me. He became angry and irritated, nothing like the man I have known. And after his father's accident, my life changed once again.

This has become such a long post and I could keep writting, but I am tired and I have two small children I have to take care of in the morning. I will continue the rest this week, I promise.